Nicolas314

All my geeky stuff ends up here. Mostly Unix-related

Put on your shoes

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shoes


– Mister engineer, we are about to leave the house. Could you please lace your shoes?

– I’m afraid I can’t do that before at least next year.

– What? No! We are leaving the house right now. Tie your shoes and let’s go!

– Well, it is obvious you have not been in the shoe-lacing business for quite a while mate. See: in order to tie my shoes I’d have to get my hands closer to my feet. I see three main possibilities:

1. I lower myself down to the level of my feet (and shoes), which is dangerously close to the ground. I could trip and fall, bringing me to ground level with sufficient speed to hurt my nose, probably causing bleeding in the process. Who would want to leave blood on the floor? You don’t want me to hurt myself, do you? This would take us to a large amount of blood cleaning and nose healing, which could take a lot of time and make us both look bad in case someone on the street asks why I have a bloody nose.

2. I could bring the shoes up to my level. Considering my feet would stop touching the ground, I would have very little time to complete the movement needed to effectively tie a knot to what could be considered decent shoe-lacing. Bad knots would make us look bad, and we do not want someone to notice that we are not even able to come out on the street with properly tied shoes.

3. The third and last possibility is to wait for my feet to grow up enough so that my shoes do not fit any more. This would probably trigger some shoe-buying and shoe-replacing, which could then be put to practical use to purchase a new pair of lace-free shoes, which would then solve all the above issues once and for all.

My conclusion is that we should wait until my feet have grown enough. See you in a couple of months.

– Man, you have reached the end of my patience. Let me tie those shoes for you.

– I’m afraid I can’t let you do that, Dave. Your role as a caretaker is not to take responsibilities and do things in my stead, but to teach me to be autonomous and let me do that myself. In addition, may I let you know that I have had these shoes for a few months now and you have never laced them before in your entire life, therefore I am the only suitable person to achieve that.

– C’mere, let me do it.

– Are you questioning my authority with respect to my own shoes? When you bought them you said they were mine!

– They are still yours, let me just lace them.

– You did not understand the above mentioned points. Apologies for my poor choice of words, I always forget that English is not your native language and you may not get the full power of the most subtle nuances.

– Don’t patronize me. Just don’t.

– Oh that was never my intention. In order to patronize someone…

– WILL YOU FUCKING TIE YOUR SHOES?

– Why the harsh language? Is that really needed? I have only given you the current status and all you can do is react strongly against me. I have not invented laces, nor did I decide to place my own hands at a different altitude than my own feet. I suggest you review our options and come to your senses before we do something we might regret.

– Do you see my hand? I swear it can fly and land on your face in no time.

– Let’s not be too hasty now. I would have to inform legal of your perceived intentions and will have to quote your language. Research indicates that people in your situation have very little chances of winning a legal fight that involves strong wording and physical violence.

– … You know what? You… You just stay here, Ok?

– That’s what I have been telling you all the time. Glad you finally came to your senses mate.

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Written by nicolas314

Monday 9 July 2018 at 11:08 pm

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